also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I look better un-naked...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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