i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
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