im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
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I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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