all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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