oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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