I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
