I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
