I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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