My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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