If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
