I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
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The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
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