So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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