This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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