I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
