last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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