I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
my liver is dry heaving
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
