I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
