I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
