my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
