I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
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I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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