her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
