1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Your mouth is God's brothel.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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