HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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