bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
