he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
