No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
