Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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