brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We are all done wearing pants today
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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