eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
