Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
