Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
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I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
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YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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