ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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