Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
