3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
