I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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