so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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