On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm bleeding and have questions
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
