Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
