careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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