just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
