Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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