During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
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I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
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Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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