it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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