that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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