make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
where are you?
Hypothermia
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
