I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize