Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
