i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
