you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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