Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
