i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
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my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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