hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.