i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...