yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
