I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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