You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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