I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
