my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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